Part of Something Beautiful

I've been really feeling this:
 
 This song is a favorite for yoga practice. Moving my body makes me more in my body and less in my head. Doesn't this song just make you want to drop into downward dog and start the flow? You won't be sorry.

I have been going to a new yoga class. My abs hurt every time I laugh, which I sort of like. The instructor shared a quote that stood out to me:

The love you withhold is the pain that you carry.

Thoughts?

Letter from my 14-Year-Old Self

Last week I got a surprise in my mailbox: A letter I wrote myself freshman year of high school. A time-capsule was opened at my ten year high school reunion  and this letter was forwarded to me (Thanks, Sadie!)  Here it is, with minor edits. Have I changed much in half my lifetime?

June 4, 1996

Dear Emily,

It's strange writing you a letter because you are actually me.  This is nothing like writing Janna, Jaime, or Krishanna a letter.  (Janna: bff/cousin, Jaime: childhood bff who moved, Krishanna: Tennessee penpal since 4th grade).

Let me remind you about today. You squirted soy sauce all over your white shirt.  You had to wear a flannel in warm weather to cover up your spill. You were embarrassed today about being video taped in Mrs. Wong's stupid (literally) English class.

The hippie banquet [end-of-year party for drama kids] is tomorrow. You know by now how it went but your worried today [I have no recollection of this event].  You told people you'd bring them hippie clothes when you haven't found anything for yourself yet.

Your little sisters get along great. They go on neighborhood bike rides often. They're organizing a Tea Party for the people on our road. They are always eager for you to come on bike rides with them and love your approval.

You rarely get enough sleep. You put off going to bed.  I don't know why. It's like homework. You know you have to do it and you eventually do it, but not when you should.

Summer's coming and you are thrilled. School wasn't easy for you this year but you still managed to pull it off.  (I got two Bs math/science straight through HS).

You are going to Kauai with Dad and his household and your siblings for 10 days. You're staying in a cabin.  (A pretty tumultuous blended family trip). Then you hope to go for a week with the youth group to Camp Keanae. You hope dad will pay for it. (That was a blast. Good memories.)

Some friends frustrate you a lot and are kind of mean.  You have decided not to label people anymore and be so snobby. You worry about people who seem to be heading in the wrong direction.

Mom and Dad think you are so self-centered and selfish. [They do??!]  But you worry so much about everyone else they'd be surprised.

Tomorrow the bus is going to come at 6:15am instead of 6:30 because the bus driver has to a double shift and pick up every kid in town. With your luck, you are the first to get on the bus in the morning.

Emily, I sincerely hope you haven't dyed your hair or gotten a tattoo or anything (No worries, younger self--I haven't!).  Don't listen to people who just want you to look like everyone else.  (This had to do with accepting my blonde-self/haole-identity after dealing with prejudice, idealizing the straight black--Asian--hair of my dark-haired community.  Not really an issue on the mainland, huh?)

I hope you have a car by now. I hope you've figured a lot out.  I hope you know by now what I'm going to be whenＩ grow up. Right now you're thinking lawyer, not doctor or dentist. Blood is yucky!

You need to find something challenging and that you are good at at the same time.  Also something that makes money and you enjoy.  I hope that in pay for being such a a good girl while you were young you at least get to be successful when you older.  [Amen to that! But what's your definition of successful, young Emily?]

I hope everything makes more sense and this time capsule doesn't get destroyed. It is 10:27pm and you're starting to get delirious.  You still have tons of work to do. This is bad for my health! Two and a half more days of school. Yipee!

Love Me, Myself, and I
(how conceited),

Emily

P.S. You better have enjoyed this letter!
[Followed by goofy smiley face drawing]

The Only Way Out is Through...

One year ago tonight Andrew and I spent the night in the hospital, on standby for surgery for his testicular cancer.

The doctors (especially oncologists) love to call him lucky.   And at this point I think we both are.

Twenty Eight is...

Cyclamen in custom pot--courtesy of Rachel.

Stuffed skunklet.I have issues I need to work out. Thanks Gina!

A California tradition: birthday orchid from TJs.

 
Like old maple syrup 
and not specifically intended for those born in October, 
but fitting just the same.   

Amber (my middle name!) earrings from Andrew. The guy has good taste (he picked me, after all)--and writes clever notes. 

Growin' Thangs

I may have posted a picture of an artichoke bloom before--but, I grew this one myself. They are a creative addition to funky/fun flower arrangements.

Pumpkins in July--say what? These sweet little sugar pumpkins were happy surprises. Pumpkin seeds from last fall managed to sneak their way into my beds through my compost. YUM.

Sprouted potatoes off the kitchen counter are now planted in my accidental potato patch.
Tomatoes galore. I was admiring the bubbles on these sweet little cherries and gave them a photo op. My favorites are the little orange sungolds tomatoes.
We took the kids in my class to Butterflies Alive at the Natural History Museum. Sixteen preschoolers were astonished by the thousands of butterflies enjoying nectar rich goodies. I have to say, I am a lot happier working. Most days confirm the decision I made to be a teacher.

Open Your Eyes

I love living by the ocean.

I'm a dabbler. This is why teaching elementary school appealed to me far more than being a single-subject teacher. I have many interests and go through obsessive hobby phases like tennis, jewelry-making, or long-board skateboarding. Most recently I'm consumed by digital photography, making bread from wild yeast, ceramics, and learning about plants. Though I never "go pro" or really even excel, I feel like these experiences help me grow a new understanding of how things work. They all become a part of me. Not surprisingly, choosing a major in undergrad was really difficult for me. I settled on English literature, feeling like it was most inclusive and complemented my interests in both history and art. Plus, reading and writing are other favs!

My hobbies these days help me to remember to live in the moment and give me a sense of purpose.

They danced by the light of the moon...

While I've always loved picture taking, I'm getting into night photography for the first time. The clear desert skies combined with lack of city lights make for great star-gazing weather. I love the challenge and magic of a low-light-setting. The moon was almost full.

Pottery requires intense concentration and a relaxed sort-of mind/body coordination. I have to smudge my name on the bat because I completely forget what I make between sessions. These bowls still need to be trimmed on the bottom but I whipped them out so quickly I was shocked. Last semester I'd spend hours just trying to center one blob of clay. Documenting growth is rewarding!

Yes, I am!

SB Photo Journal: I Heart Spring

Many people say their favorite season is fall, for the crispness and holiday anticipation. Or summer for the obvious sunshiney, carefree reasons. I think my favorite season is spring. I love the new growth and the feeling of anticipation. It feels like a Thursday night, right before the weekend. When I lived in Portland, I used to take walks along dirt roads that led to Trion State Park with Andrew's sister Heather. My favorite memory is seeing the sweet little crocuses poking their shy purple heads out through the cold mud. I'd know then that the end of a cold damp winter was in sight. Last fall, I planted a crocus bulbs between my rose bushes and was delighted when I saw my the first purple blooms the other day. And their variegated leaves make me go ooh-la-la. Crocuses remind me of babies--small and brilliant, with round little heads. Maybe a bit like the pansies in one of my favorite scenes ever:


Oh, Alice, my kindred spirit, Italian name (pronounced Ahleeshay), and best Halloween costume ever back in 4th grade.

Cauliflower isn't usually one of my favorite veggies, but I think it is gorgeous. When your grow something yourself it always tastes better.

Another spring blessing has been the rain. The thirsty desert climate is loving it. Frogs are happily croaking, worms are wriggling, and the charred Santa Ynez Mountains are radiant in green.

And any sign of snow, like this bit of frost on the mountains the other morning, leaves me feeling giddy and full of wonder.

Lemons, Limes, Pottery and Politics

I bought some watercress seeds--and I am already anticipating those pungent, under-celebrated greens in beautiful salads, and wilted with garlic. I found my way to my favorite gardening store Island Seed and Feed. It reminds me of the small town feed store I grew up going to in Makawao. It's complete with an old farm cat, hens, locally collected seeds, fresh honey, great organic veggie flats, and a folksy feel I love.

On November 4 I proudly wore my "I voted" sticker and was surprised when they gave me coffee on the house at Starbucks. I tend to avoid Starbucks due to their lack of free wireless but I am glad my need for caffeine led me there. I spent time writing and had a friendly conversation with an elderly fellow who retired here from Switzerland. Ｉ told him of my Swiss background (my Grandpa was from Switzerland) and he knew the family name. Then we talked plants and I took notes.

I really love California. It feels like a nation unto itself sometimes. I got to vote on some important propositions, namely:

Yes on 2: Improve the treatment of farmed animals. Give those poor chickens and piggies more room! I have been a vegetarian for the last 10 years (despite my occasional fish) mainly due to health and habit. In the past few years IＩhave grown to appreciate the environmental implications of my choices—but lately, only in the last year (I am embarrassed to admit,) has the concern for animals had anything to do for it. I think falling deeply in love with my family's tiny dogs had something to do with it. Lately it has felt like more of a spiritual choice. I do not need to take life to sustain life.　　

Good news: Prop 2 passed--but I am sorry Prop 8 did :-(

Other good news:
*I bought a dwarf lime tree. My Meyer Lemon tree has brought me (and the hummingbirds!) great pleasure. It burst with fragrant blossoms and is now displaying about 50 bead size lemons. There is something about watching a tree grow and change with the seasons. And I have the perfect view of these mini-trees from my kitchen window.

*I am LOVING ceramics. It was such a challenge to learn to center on the potter's wheel. I am not used to thing being so hard! I was so frustrated that I gave up for a few weeks and focused on hand building and molding. My exceedingly patient (and talented) boyfriend marched me into the studio last Friday and coached me on the wheel for 2 hours. By the end of the session I had made one honey-pot shaped symmetrical piece.

Evoking images of Ghost...

It was just what I needed. I went into another studio hour and whipped out two perfect bowls and a mini-mug (with added handle and all). It reminds me of learning to type or driving stick shift; that mind/body co-ordination that can be a challenge to get but once you "get it" it is yours to keep.

I recall each member of my immediate family trying to teach me stick-shift and giving up on me as a lost cause (including my younger siblings). I really thought I was hopeless--but then I got a boyfriend with a manual car I wanted to drive. Andrew really is a gifted teacher (others agree--you should read his students' feedback from the math course he taught at Portland Community College).

I haven't been a dedicated blogger in the last year, but I plan to be better (and bolder). It really is a great way to make sense of life. So, keep on checking—and I'll be back soon!

Telling the Truth: Growing up is Hard

Weathering the storm...

This has been a difficult month. I am trying to remember that challenges bring about opportunities for growth.

Three hard things:

1. Andrew was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He's doing really well and we're confident he'll be fine and know we'll both be better than ever from this in the long run. Still, surgeries and chemo aren't usually part of the plan in your 2oies.

2. One of my best friends, who has been far away from me, is facing a divorce. It is hard to imagine my beautiful friend being hurt and feeling alone. I am proud of her for being so strong and getting herself out of a bad situation.

3. A couple we are friendly with just lost their baby the day before it was due. A lovely, radiant mom-to-be and her husband who was already the doting dad. They did everything right--it is so senseless and tragic. My heart is broken for them.

I have never felt older. I know life works in cycles of ups-and-downs and am quickly learning that things don't always go as expected. Changing and adapting to new circumstances is part of growing up... I have an internal debate about to blogging about these things. I decided I to be honest today rather than write about the flower arrangement I made this morning or the gingerbread I made last night.